Dear holiday friends

Dear Holiday Friends:

It is a joyous time of year, at least for store owners. Tis the season when those polyester-clad trolls poke their noses out of the back office long enough to smile and rub their hands together before going back to tallying the loot. But it is also a time for renewing warm friendships with people I didn't like well enough to contact during the previous 364 days.

Consider the mass-e-mailed holiday message, the modern replacement for the thoughtful, hand-written and hand-addressed holiday card. All I need to do is get to the computer and write some self-serving drivel, insert a picture, select everyone in my address book and click "send." The thought makes me feel warm inside as I feel the love.

Our family gets a number of these missives every December, and usually they read more like press releases than holiday cards. I get so tired of hearing that some distant relative bought a new house on Maui or someone's son donated a new wing to a hospital. I rarely hear about anything normal going on. And that is why I am writing the first realistic holiday letter. In case you are not on our mailing list, here is what our card will say:

Dear Recipient:

The year 2007 was a grand one for the Deutsch family. Jingles, our cat, was doing well until last week when he had an unfortunate accident with the electric toothbrush. I guess cat urine and 120 volts just didn't mix. Services are on Sunday. Speaking of pets, Puddles, our beloved dog, is destined for the Guinness Book of World Records. We looked it up and there is nothing in there to match his feat of consuming three entire raw chickens (including plastic wrapping) we left in the sink to thaw while we were at the mall. Apparently, a dog in Green Pond, Al. once ate an LP entitled "William Shatner Sings Your Favorite Disco Hits," but Puddles has broken new ground in the category of raw food consumption.

From the human part of our family, my nephew Justin is about to turn 15, and we're proud that he has become the youngest Moonie in Sylvania Township. His new name will be D'Vi'Ba and we're very happy that the intersection of Secor Road and Monroe Street will be his exclusive territory for flower distribution. And there are those who said he wouldn't amount to anything!

Cousin Ben is fighting those embezzlement charges you may have read about, but it was all a misunderstanding. That money from his fraternity ended up in his own personal bank account due to a simple math error. In truth, he is a great guy who continues his good deeds assisting when he can at the Toledo Home for Wayward Cheerleaders. He likes to work closely with the girls and help them with their personal problems.

My wife received some great news last week. Apparently the Nigerian minister of finance needs her help in processing more than $3 million in cash. It's very exciting that she was selected, and we plan on adding an addition to our house with the profits.

Talk about a strange coincidence! I was speaking to a chap at a party about a jingle I wrote back when I owned a recording studio. The commercial I'd written "borrowed" the melody line from the popular song "Happy Together" by The Turtles. You could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out the guy I was talking to had written that original tune! We all had a good laugh over that one until we received the subpoena last Tuesday.

Well, life is full of little surprises. I'll probably be seeing you in two to five years with good behavior.

Happy Holidays,

Ken Deutsch and Family, and in spirit, the late Jingles the cat.