Faux pas in reporting

I have devoted far too many columns to griping about the irritants in life. Intrusive advertisers, affirmative-action demagogues, incompetent bureaucrats and brainless celebrities have all received my editorial barbs. But apparently, my cautionary words have had little impact. Either these people don't read The Independent Collegian, or for some reason they choose to disregard my helpful suggestions. Very well! I shall try a different approach in the autumn of my college newspaper career. While the above-mentioned miscreants still raise my blood pressure, I will henceforth focus on only the joys in life, in the hopes that my uplifting prose will change human souls for the better. I shall transform myself into the "Oprah" of The Independent Collegian.

Hey, just messin' with you! I'm not changing. There are still a few more incredibly stupid subjects I want to hammer before I take my leave in the summer.

TV field reporters have hours to prepare a two-minute story, so why do they insist on ad libbing their way through it? This lack of forethought leads to howlers such as this, from someone live on the scene of a neighborhood festival: "There is one thing that unites the Latino community: food and music." And if anyone has lots of prep time, it is the lonely weathercaster who spends each afternoon making his computerized weather graphics swirl and flash. Then at 6:15 p.m., he or she steps in front of a green screen to predict "a carbon copy of yesterday" for the adoring fans. Unless there is a tornado or blizzard, these are the most underworked people on TV. And there is no excuse for the following phrase which was uttered by a meteorologist: "Well, it's going to be pretty seasonal for this time of year." I wish I didn't hear that one, but I did.

Another source of recurring dumbness in newscasts is the sports reporter who uses clichés "like they are going out of style." Post-game interviews with coaches and players are always a good source of brain-dead quotes. If a team won, the members are too busy spilling champagne all over and snapping each other with towels to answer any questions. But if that team lost, there is nothing to do but intone somberly, "We didn't execute as well as we wanted," or "Our opponent just put more points on the board." One of my favorite coach homilies is, "Our boys really gave 110 percent today." I had someone try to convince me last week that it is possible for a person to give more than 100 percent effort on a project. This individual explained it in terms of working more than 40 hours a week, etc. But the truth is, one only has 100 percent of any commodity and cannot give any more, no matter how many hours he puts in. And what exactly does it mean when a coach says, "We'll just have to take the season one game at a time." Could the team possibly play two games at a time?

But bad syntax is only one of the baffling aspects of local TV news. Why does each story need its own musical theme? Nothing like a peppy six-second orchestral stinger before the anchor reads the latest war casualties. News story transitions are always good for a laugh. "Speaking of roadside bombings, Lakisha, the new Tom Cruise movie certainly looks like a bomb! Here's our entertainment reporter with the details."

Video News Releases (VNRs) prepared by large corporations often masquerade as real news. Thus we are treated to a story about the prevention of seasonal allergies, coincidentally brought to us by Allegra. A feature on how to grow the greenest lawn is sponsored (and hosted) by a local provider of that service. For more examples of fake news, visit Fark.com.

So instead of writing life-affirming and heartwarming columns, I stubbornly continue to waste dead trees with my cranky observations about life. Have a nice day.