My new best friends

Whether or not I like it, I have a whole set of new best friends. Stores and restaurants don't just want me as a customer; they now want me as a life-long buddy. Merchants of all sorts want to "build a relationship" with me. All I want out of the deal is a hamburger or a set of tires.

The last time I entered a certain nationally known sit-down restaurant, the waitress insisted I take a "rewards card," which she assured me would entitle me to a free entrée after I ate there 12 times. Big whoop. Then she told me to visit the corporate Web site where I could win untold additional riches just for filling out a short survey. I did that when I got home, though for amusement purposes only. But before I was given the key to the corporate safe, I had to give up quite a bit of personal information, which took me 18 minutes. My name, address, phone number, e-mail account and many questions about the restaurant followed and then yes, this purveyor of giant troughs of ice cream and other like-mannered down-market treats was bold enough to ask about my family income. Wow! My real best friends don't know that!

I filled in my correct e-mail address and made up the rest. Shortly I received a message from my new best friend in my in-box. "Congratulations! You have won a free 6-ounce Coke! Just print out and present this coupon next time you visit," it said. I had given them a ton of fake but otherwise valuable data and 18 minutes of my time. In exchange they gave me a prize worth about $.35, and they made me print out the coupon on my own paper! Not only am I a new best friend, but I'm a really cheap best friend!

Recently, we have seen a proliferation of what I call the "rat out your friend" ploys. For example, my wireless phone company will give me a free month of service if I refer one of my friends or family members who then signs up for two years. This provider knows that once someone goes through the hassle of going into the store, setting up an account, signing a long-term agreement and buying all the extras, the deal is worth hundreds or thousands of dollars. The company purchased this windfall from me for $67.

Real friends don't take advantage of me, but fake friends don't mind a bit. Did you know that car rental agencies make more profit on "extras" than on the cars? According to About.com, rental car companies overcharge their "friends" for those tank top-offs, rip them off on unneeded insurance by scaring them and then try to ingratiate themselves by signing their "friends" up for special frequent-user discounts.

I have a friend at the big-box appliance store, too. I know this because of the volume of e-mail from him, at least until I "unsubscribed" to his barrage. Do you really believe that paying an extra $35 for an extended service contract on a $200 DVD player is a wonderful opportunity? Of course not. It is a free $35 for the seller because the product is scheduled to fail just after the warranty period if the company has done its homework. And it has. But I am still supposed to be a friend and visit its Web site for special offers!

I get monthly mail from my new best friend, my car dealer. There's a card on my birthday and on Christmas (I'm Jewish) and little "remember your friends at ____ Motors!" postcards letting me know when it's time for an oil change and service. Gee, I appreciate the thought!

A note to my "friends" at the stores and restaurants: sell me your products, but don't try to be my friend.