Stooges' life lessons

Alright, you guys, spread out! The Three Stooges are a legendary comedy team that appeals exclusively to those of us with an X and Y chromosome (namely, males). Women describe these talented men as "stupid," "moronic" and "a waste of time." But guys know that clonking people on the head with lead pipes, squirting oil in someone's face or bending a nose with large pliers are all valid means of expression. Thus, the Stooges rule, regardless of what chicks think. In fact, everything I need to know in life is contained in the films of the Three Stooges. And here is the proof!

In "All Gummed Up" (1947), we learn that we cannot recapture our youth. The film opens with grumpy old Amos Flint demanding a "fountain of youth" from his employees, the Stooges. The boys are pharmacists who mix up the elixir in an old boot and pour it down Flint's throat with the help of a plunger. Unfortunately, this turns the old coot into a blubbering baby, hardly the outcome he anticipated.

In "Brideless Groom" (1947), the message is that we should never marry for money. Shemp, a vocal music instructor, discovers that if he weds by 6 p.m., he will inherit half a million dollars. After trying to interest his former girlfriends, a homely soprano student of his expresses genuine interest in his canoodling. In the ensuing plot complications, Moe sits on a bear trap, Larry is slammed in the side of the head with an old hunting rifle and Shemp is punched through a door by someone who doesn't believe he is her cousin Basil. In the final scene, Shemp also has a bird cage smashed over his head by another irate woman. In short, it doesn't turn out well for any of the boys.

The lesson in "Heavenly Daze" (1948) is more subtle. The Stooges learn that if one leads a good life, one need not fear reprisals from anyone who has passed away. The movie opens with a recently deceased Shemp coming back to earth as an invisible angel to reform his crooked brothers. Shemp makes a vase fall on Moe's head and somehow causes Moe to be cheated out of the same wad of cash twice by Larry. But it is Larry who suffers the cruelest fate when he is on the receiving end of a flying fountain pen that embeds itself in his forehead. Ouch! This film should be shown in all grade schools to keep kids on the straight and narrow.

Do you need more proof that the Stooges have much to teach us? I direct your attention to "Goofs on the Roof" (1953), in which Moe, Larry and Shemp try to install a TV antenna on top of a house. Moe eats a soap sandwich (you have to see it to figure out why), Shemp hurls himself over the bottom half of a Dutch door more than once and Larry is almost electrocuted before being strangled by the handle of a bucket. The moral of this story: hire a professional to do a complicated home project. I learned the same lesson in a construction class at UT, but the Stooges made it come alive for me.

Our final guiding principle from the Stooges is "don't skip out on paying your taxes." We glean this from the 1954 cinematic oeuvre "Income Tax Sappy," in which Shemp gets a bowling ball dropped on his head, Moe gets hot coffee spilled on his lap and Larry has his nose mangled with large scissors. But those are all side issues because in the dénouement, they are nabbed by the Internal Revenue Service for trying to help others cheat on their taxes. So don't tell me the Three Stooges' films aren't educational entertainment. I'm just a victim of soicumstance!