The legend of love

We all know Valentine's Day will be at our throats in less than a week. It's that special time of the year when we buy flowers and a card for our significant other - at least if we know what's good for us. But few of us are aware of the rich traditions from whence this merchandising bonanza sprang.

Way back in the days before there were such things as Cheez Whiz®, celebrity rehab and even before cell phones had ring tones featuring Fergie and Young Jeezy, there lived a guy named Saint Valentine. It was about 2,000 years ago in Rome, where politicians were intolerant of people, not of their own faith. Of course, this may be hard to believe because today everyone loves one another and gets along perfectly. Take Ted Kennedy … please!

The emperor of that time, a charming fellow named Claudius II, arrested Valentine for helping people practice Christianity. Much in the manner of the L.A. police, associates of Claudius pounded Valentine to death with clubs. Everyone lived happily ever after, except of course Valentine. The end.

So, how did we get from a religious guy getting beaten into guacamole thousands of years ago, to romantic television commercials in which couples run on the beach in slow motion and $24 boxes of candy are described as "value-priced?" And who told DeBeers an "appropriate" amount to spend on a diamond wedding ring is one month's salary? No one knows.

But we do know in Europe about 250 years ago, people started giving each other handmade cards on birthdays and anniversaries. When this custom was imported to America, we somehow got the dates mixed up and started sending them on Valentine's Day. This messing around with dates is an American tradition. For example, Feb. 19 is officially Presidents' Day, but Abraham Lincoln was born on Feb. 12 and George Washington was born on Feb. 22. So, it makes perfect sense, don't you think?

By the turn of the 19th century (that's the year 1800 for those scholars who believe "The Undertaker" really kills his wrestling opponents), we didn't even have to make Valentine's Day cards by hand because at last we could buy them from a large, impersonal corporation. This saved us the excruciating task of writing a few original sentences. And is there anything quite as insulting as getting an "e-card?" It shows your loved one cared enough about you to go online and spend 14 seconds.

Let us review! Guacamole, L.A. police, "The Undertaker." Got the picture?

Here is a list of items women do not see as appropriate Valentine's Day gifts: laundry products, luncheon meats and ring tones featuring Young Jeezy. While the latter items are useful and sometimes amusing, save them for another "special moment."

For Valentine's Day, nothing says "love" to your main squeeze as much as a thoughtfully worded, hand-written card. Any message involving plans for eating at Rally's or a description of something the cat spit up on the living-room rug doesn't count.

For those of you who couldn't ad lib a gasp if you were choking on a peach pit, here is my suggestion for that special Valentine's Day card:

Dear Nancy (this will only work if your girl friend's name is Nancy):

You are hotter than Melanie Griffith before she had plastic surgery and got those fish lips. You are way cooler than Paula Abdul, back when she used to be coherent. I wanna be with you.

Love, Bob

If you are studying law, you might want to reword it slightly:

Dear Party of the Second Part, hereafter referred to as "Nancy:" You are the love of my life, and with certain stipulations, the only woman for me, unless certain unfortunate occurrences described in your insurance policy come to pass. Fondly, Bob, your current husband

If that doesn't get her love juices flowing, I don't know what will. If you are unwilling to spend 10 minutes picking up a card, flowers or candy, never fear. Just take your significant other out for an elegant dinner. When I say "elegant," I'm talking about hitting any restaurant that doesn't use plastic silverware.

And to quote Saint Valentine, "Hey, get away from me! That hurts! Yow! Cut it out!"