The Conspiracy of Trees

The interdisciplinary study of squirrels is growing by leaps and bounds, right here on the University of Toledo main campus. By observing animals close at hand, humankind can learn much about itself. Humans have become gradually alienated from nature since the onset of the Industrial Revolution. Adrift from nature, humanity quickly forgets how to survive.

Squirrel studies can open up profound areas of inquiry. For example, philosophers in Scott Hall gazing out the big window of their seminar room can observe and contemplate how squirrel essence informs the human condition, by reflecting on this koan:

Zen master Fa-ch'an was dying.

A squirrel screeched from the rooftop.

"It's just this" he said, "and nothing more."

Squirrel studies are happening all across campus this year as never before, and not only in philosophy. Students everywhere are bonding with each other and with their faculty mentors while gazing out of their classroom windows. "Eruditio ex squirrels" is the slogan of this intellectual enterprise. It is all about a newly-identified relevancy in our transforming university. If you are not learning about squirrels you had better see your advisor right away.

When curriculum begins to follow the money it can lead many academics in search of grants funding some exotic avenues of creative research. As the barista at our campus Starbucks put it to me yesterday, "Whodathunk ten years ago that I'd be studying for a career in solar and wind power? WhoooooWheeeee! I'm a windologist! My boyfriend gives me constant encouragement and says I'll go far! …"

Here is the latest scoop on the reasons for the rapid spread of scientific squirrel studies across campus at this time: The Pentagon apparently leaked to a few Wall Street firms some exploratory interest in squirrels as related to its well-funded global War Against Terrorism. Our new UT administration proactively pounced on the rumor and today squirrel power is already being discussed across campus as "the new solar!"

Just so, squirrel studies are considered an essential branch of STEMM research (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math and Medicine). Meanwhile the Arts and Science College deans and chairs have agreed unanimously that squirrel studies can provide insights into human food security issues locally and on a global scale. As I write, some social scientists on this campus are scrutinizing the squirrels as an "invasive species" (along with the zebra mussel and the "toe-sucking" monster carp) and as an example of "urban wildlife."

So what? Well, if the sound of money makes you stand erect and salute, thanks to the Pentagon leak there are all sorts of government agencies, the World Bank, NASA (flying squirrels) and even the United Nations quite happy to fund the scientific study of the squirrel.

Researchers in the USA have to do most of the heavy lifting on this front since there are as many squirrels as pigeons in our public places: brown squirrels, grey squirrels, red squirrels -- a rainbow of squirrels – all destined to be tranquilized, tagged and analyzed until external funding ceases.

What about the competition from India and China, you might ask? Don't fret. On a global scale, squirrel studies are a money game that the Chinese and the Indians cannot or will not play. This is because in China and Australia there is a dearth rather than a plethora of local squirrels to study.

Think about this: In the south of China around Old Canton where it was well-known that the locals "ate everything with legs but tables and chairs," you cannot today find a single squirrel burger. Meanwhile giant squirrels of India apparently never in their lifetimes touch the ground to bury nuts, and so are for classified reasons of no interest to the Pentagon and Wall Street at this time.

It is common knowledge that if you crave to eat squirrel morning, noon and night, you must go to Kentucky or Tennessee. The squirrel season officially opened this year in Tennessee on August 26th but it's never too late for the avid Appalachian sportsman to lock and load. Apparently anyone of any age or sex, when south of the Mason-Dixon Line, may choose their hunting weapons with abandon. Southern cougars and wild boar, for example, have been killed with frying pans, and on at least one occasion an adult black bear was killed with two banjos.

The all-time favorite rim-fire cartridge for squirrel hunting down south is the .22LR. Bigger bore rifles are occasionally used but condemned — by damn Yankees — as "overkill" and unsportsmanlike. An elephant gun is of course totally impracticable if you plan on making squirrel stews or pies out of your targets.

Bow-and-arrow enthusiasts also hunt the squirrel. According to one, who needs to take a WAC course at UT:

"Its fun and a lot more challenging. It's also good for the environment. Example a .22, you could just mop ‘em up; a bow, its harder and funner, and you could be hunting for a few hours and only have a few. So you're not just slaughtering squirrels. I like to shoot a few cottontails before a family BBQ. Great off-season sport and keeps you in shape for shooting!"

Remarkably, "down home" in Alabama some squirrel hunters choose to enter even the darkest woods bearing only slingshots. Many are grown men. Much of the chatter from up in the trees must be laughter -- "Watch out, Bucky! Man's got a slingshot! Har! Har!"

I am one of those who in mid-October join with the members of my class to gaze out of the high windows of University Hall facing Bancroft Street to contemplate the frenzied squirrels there hard at work. All is arboreal splendor rooted in green grass and a joy to behold. You can't duplicate this classroom learning experience on the Internet with distance learning. There is no substitute for the camaraderie of the classroom, which generates invariably a quality conversation like this: