2008 Woodie Awards
The legend of love
Ken Deutsch
Issue date: 2/12/07 Section: Forum
Let us review! Guacamole, L.A. police, "The Undertaker." Got the picture?
Here is a list of items women do not see as appropriate Valentine's Day gifts: laundry products, luncheon meats and ring tones featuring Young Jeezy. While the latter items are useful and sometimes amusing, save them for another "special moment."
For Valentine's Day, nothing says "love" to your main squeeze as much as a thoughtfully worded, hand-written card. Any message involving plans for eating at Rally's or a description of something the cat spit up on the living-room rug doesn't count.
For those of you who couldn't ad lib a gasp if you were choking on a peach pit, here is my suggestion for that special Valentine's Day card:
Dear Nancy (this will only work if your girl friend's name is Nancy):
You are hotter than Melanie Griffith before she had plastic surgery and got those fish lips. You are way cooler than Paula Abdul, back when she used to be coherent. I wanna be with you.
Love, Bob
If you are studying law, you might want to reword it slightly:
Dear Party of the Second Part, hereafter referred to as "Nancy:" You are the love of my life, and with certain stipulations, the only woman for me, unless certain unfortunate occurrences described in your insurance policy come to pass. Fondly, Bob, your current husband
If that doesn't get her love juices flowing, I don't know what will. If you are unwilling to spend 10 minutes picking up a card, flowers or candy, never fear. Just take your significant other out for an elegant dinner. When I say "elegant," I'm talking about hitting any restaurant that doesn't use plastic silverware.
And to quote Saint Valentine, "Hey, get away from me! That hurts! Yow! Cut it out!"
Here is a list of items women do not see as appropriate Valentine's Day gifts: laundry products, luncheon meats and ring tones featuring Young Jeezy. While the latter items are useful and sometimes amusing, save them for another "special moment."
For Valentine's Day, nothing says "love" to your main squeeze as much as a thoughtfully worded, hand-written card. Any message involving plans for eating at Rally's or a description of something the cat spit up on the living-room rug doesn't count.
For those of you who couldn't ad lib a gasp if you were choking on a peach pit, here is my suggestion for that special Valentine's Day card:
Dear Nancy (this will only work if your girl friend's name is Nancy):
You are hotter than Melanie Griffith before she had plastic surgery and got those fish lips. You are way cooler than Paula Abdul, back when she used to be coherent. I wanna be with you.
Love, Bob
If you are studying law, you might want to reword it slightly:
Dear Party of the Second Part, hereafter referred to as "Nancy:" You are the love of my life, and with certain stipulations, the only woman for me, unless certain unfortunate occurrences described in your insurance policy come to pass. Fondly, Bob, your current husband
If that doesn't get her love juices flowing, I don't know what will. If you are unwilling to spend 10 minutes picking up a card, flowers or candy, never fear. Just take your significant other out for an elegant dinner. When I say "elegant," I'm talking about hitting any restaurant that doesn't use plastic silverware.
And to quote Saint Valentine, "Hey, get away from me! That hurts! Yow! Cut it out!"
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